late friday entry

Got home friday and shortly after went out with my husband for sushi and a cocktail or two. Wasn't in the right frame to write when I got home and have been avoiding the update all weekend as the weekend is peaceful. I don't want to think about what is not.

Though Friday I somehow managed to wow my principal. She came an hour late - so I'd already given the major lessons I wanted to give, children were busy, and I was giving some help and individual lessons when she came in. Ms. N had taken M. to the nurse - he wasn't feeling good - so I was alone when she showed up to observe, an ominous presence, ee gads the principal is here to check me out.

Fuck it. I didn't care. This is it, this is how we roll. And the kids rose up - nothing to do with me - they rose up and man they were just working. And M. my girl M. who can be the biggest pain in my ass hid all the singular/plural work from the other girls so they couldn't do it - "Msslowwwwe M.'s hiding all the work we want"
I go over to M., squat down and look at her face, "How many of those envelopes can you do at once?" I ask her quietly. "one" she says. "So how about we let the girls use the other ones"

She takes them off her lap and gives them to me.

Then she does something else obnoxious, I don't remember, and I pick up her table and move it closer to where I am "in case she needs any help." and she goes right back to working, no problem.

A. was totally proud of his dynamic addition of complex numbers - 6 of my kids think its the most fun they've ever had - "I"m a math geek!" they yell out to each other, loving numbers.

What did I do? Nothing. This is them. At least on this morning in those moments that I was observed.

Now she's telling other teachers how "masterful" I am and that they should all observe in my room.

"WHAT?" I say, when I hear this from my colleague. "Are you KIDDING me?"

Sure. There is some magic in the classroom, there is concentration and focus, there are learning children and there is calm.

But at what cost? I am still asking myself. At the cost of my health? my stress levels? my dread on sunday nights having to go back the next day? my ability to conceive? my complete and utter lack of time to do anything for me? to write?

Something about being with gramma and that stark awareness that life is short and time is precious. Do we go on doing something just because we might be good at it even if it sucks the life right out of you? Do you suck up and hail the mighty paycheck and then go home and have sleepless nights over kids who have rocks in their heads and it's your responsibility to fix it?

There have been so many drive by shootings in the neighborhood of my school lately.
It's just another factor to think about. To think really hard about.