mehlo mehlo

The children have decided I'm not ms. lowe anymore - I'm MEHLO!! MEHLO!!! which, on second thought, rings kind of cool ... "mellow - mellow -" I can live with that.

so tired I can't believe I'm bothering with this blog tonight. three nights of no sleep - so much anxiety - so ready to move on from this job - yet so attached to my kids it's not as easy as quitting any other job that exists...

and this morning went so well.. so much work.. so much study.. so much enthusiasm... I. my superstar has recently figured out dynamic addition - carrying - and was doing it in the millions with up to fifteen numbers. wow. I was calling him the human calculator. and tons of language work --- maps --- G. can name about 25 states learned only out of repetition - I never actually sat down and taught her, she taught herself. Yeah montessori.

but then a. was choking sweet a.. stormed off in that anger haze and sat in the stairwell. I called the office for a counselor to come up - obviously it was a serious infraction - but nobody ever came. why do I even bother calling?

then M. was pulling on her earrings so hard that both ears started to bleed. Later she found a piece of glass on the playground, put it in her pocket, then was carving the palm of her hand with it when we were back in the classroom.

I can't do this. I learned the term "secondary trauma" tonight... those bearing witness, I suppose, to the primary trauma? Anyway it hit me, or validated perhaps, how much of this kind of trauma I absorb by proximity.

I asked myself tonight if my heart is not big enough or too big.
It's a tough call.
"What's going to happen to these kids?" my stepmother asked me tonight.

I don't know. I don't know, and I can't save them.

met a couple girlfriends at a greek place tonight for dinner. had my lesson plan book out and told myself I must remember to put it back in my bag after tucking it aside.
turns out I left it there. in a restaurant nearly an hour from my house.
OOPS.
this won't fare well for the meeting I have tomorrow, or for my follow up meeting with the principal.
perhaps a subliminal act.
I want to care ... I do...
but I"m also trying hard... to only care about myself...
hows that for a not so selfish twist. I miss me. I want her back. all of her.