Oh I guess I wasn't finished...

Still Tuesday, still unraveling from a crap day and went to bed and was lying there talking with chris, or rather, complaining. Bitching. Unloading. He just wanted a nice night with me; dinner and talking and snuggles without all of this baggage I carry around today, and fair enough, I would have liked that too. Instead there I was laying in my bed and was just So Sad. So Damn Sad. I thought about MD. and all of her lashing out and then seeing her father, her father virtually ignore, virtually appear as unconcerned as it gets, appear to Not Give A Shit. And then there's D.'s dad, five messages and a confrontation later and no call back. It it appears he does Not Give A Shit. And I., who's been silent, I didn't even realize he was there today. Quiet and sad and dad's in jail. And M.s mom with ovarian cancer and now charges pressed against her for assaulting that other mother in the hallway and three kids and one on the way? with ovarian cancer? is that possible?
And sad and heavy and gloom and
I don't know. All of a sudden I'm laying in bed crying and crying and feeling guilty even for complaining and bitching and ruining what could have been this nice night with my husband and taking on and taking in
and
and
and
here I am wanting a baby, trying to have a baby, trying, still, perhaps, to come to terms with a miscarriage, the possibility that it might not ever happen for me. I asked Chris again does he really want a baby with me? He said "You are a mother. A mother without a baby."

and all these kids and these sad little lives and yet there's pregnancys all the time - M. is going to have another sister in a month or two; with a father who text messages in the delivery room.

God. I mean, these parents care the best they can. I mean no disrespect. But what the fuck?
Why?
Must I state the irony in this?

How do I turn this switch off? How do I not care, not feel?
I get so de-sensitized and then there seems this sudden BLAM --- knocked over hard.

4 days left before vacation and then I go to half time. And I wonder now if even that will be too much.