uggggggggggg

I can't stand myself today. Pressure to have a lot of math work out because the district was coming to observe. At nine, I was told. So my kids were doing math and by 1030 or 11 wanted to do something else. Sick of math. And then the district comes in and it's kind of falling apart. I have my best days when I don't try to control what the children are doing as some sort of showcase, don't you?

We're all getting time in our classrooms without kids. Most schools just call it "inservice" and get a whole day off with no kids in the building, or at least a few or even a bunch of half days. Not us. I mean we are damn lucky to even get the time at all. So our kids are dispersed into five different classrooms, and, for a week and a day, we have five extra kids in our classroom. And the kids, who are strangers to us and we to them, are generally on their best behavior, so it's really not a big deal ... but today... the pressure, the extra kids, the word FUCK that I am so sick of by now... D., very strange child D., refused to get in line after gym and instead walked in circles saying "Fucking asshole!! Fucking bitch! Fucking nigger! Fuck you!" Really, can we just can the "fuck" for awhile? Do we have to hear it read it find it on tables in elementary school? I mean, what the...fuck? So I called D.'s parents, for the FIFTH time. When I saw dad at pickup time I nearly yelled at him. "We must have a conference" and I told him what D. was saying today. "No way!" he said. Yeah. Yeah way. I asked him to call me later on my cell to set it up. Do you think he did? No, way.

M.'s dad finally came in for the "fucking ass humping sex" charming note M. wrote to T. She's suspended for two days. And while my principal scolded M. and admonished her father as to the gravity of the situation, I kid you not, he was texting on his cell phone. I mean nearly the entire duration of the conference. Looking at his phone. Not paying one damn bit of attention.
Hmmmm. Is it any wonder that M. is so FUCKED UP? I think not.

I am so lit today, tonight. Can't even seem to manage to shake it. I get so mean to my kids on days like this - seems like it's just gotten worse - where I say the meanest things and hate myself for it. "Are you kidding me?" I ask, sarcastic. Ms Lowe, can I get a drink of water? "NO!!!" ... I mean, monster. I mean like someone put a firecracker in my ass. I can't stand myself when I talk like this. I can't stand it. I want to run from the room and never come back.

anyway. No kids tomorrow. They'll be there, but not with me. Environmental revival. Which actually just means major inventory, but whatever. I need a break bad. Realllllllllllll bad.