another movie

I'm in another movie altogether right now.

I knew my grandmother was in rough shape, so I came down Monday so my brother and I could pick up my dad to bring him down to see her which was really the best medicine we could offer.  But since then I haven't been able to leave.

Grandma will be 90 in January, if she makes it.  She's in the last stages of congestive heart failure, her legs are swollen like balloons and it's hard for her to walk.  She lives alone.  She has someone come over in the evening to get her dinner and get her to bed, and now she'll be coming in the morning as well but she can't start the morning until Saturday.  In the meantime, my gramma can't walk.  She can't get herself to the bathroom.  She can't do anything.  She hasn't been eating, she's been taking pills that are supposed to make her pee so the swelling goes down, but so far this hasn't done the trick.

Last night I stayed with her, slept over, got up four times in the middle of the night to take her to the bathroom, painstakingly shuffling the six feet it takes to get there which takes about ten minutes.  It sucks.  I looked at her last night, she was glazed and babbling about "take my necklace" etc.  I started crying.  She perked up.  "Don't cry! Don't cry!  I'll bounce back, I always do!" 

"But Gramma, you're tired.  You're so tired," I said.

She doesn't even watch tv, and she hasn't even had a cup of tea which is the major blaring red flag.

So what do I do? My father is in his own situation, her only son, he can't really do much from his chair in Huntington.  My sister and brother work (oh, right, so do I) and can't do much.

My class?  Ms. N just called me a little while ago, bless her heart.  She told me everything is fine there with the class and to take my time down here, I'm doing the right thing, this is more important, etc.  Yesterday I worried about my class.  I thought I'd go home last night and be back there today but now it looks like I won't be back til Monday.  And today I'm not worried about my class.  Fuck em.  This is my real life here, my family.  This is what's more important.  This is my reality right now.

and it pretty much sucks and I'd rather be with my kids but what am I gonna do?