was it always this exhausting?

Feel like I'm gonna drop to the floor. My classroom is still a mess from my hiatus, so much to organize and put back together. I stayed an extra hour yesterday and thought I would today and then thought "F it. I'll just come in early tomorrow" (and we all know how that goes, right? ... snooze button, snooze button, snooze button, oh shit I'm late...).

I feel so behind. My lesson plans are leftovers from what I didn't get done three weeks ago, the assessments are still on my desk that I never gave, my first graders have grown accustomed to the handwriting practice busy work... argh.

Kids are the same. M. is still bolting, despite his medication. My female M. - well she's not so much the same - must be on some new medication because she has totally mellowed to the point I don't even recognize that she's there when it used to be she was the most blatant presence in the class. But I still struggle - medication? Mind altering drugs? What do they do to a developing brain? Is it really good for the child, or just for the adults around him/her?
Def makes life easier, but .... uggg.

Work after death... I mean I'm not busting out into tears in the classroom (that only seems to happen in the evening, when it's time to call Gramma time and I remember with some kind of jolt that she's not there anymore), but something has shifted. My love, my patience, sure, I feel more mellow and appreciative, but I also feel more... tired. Exhausted. Just exhausted. Not just exhausted, but lethargic. Depression? Maybe it's that. Maybe.

I'm not quite as interested. Is that awful? A. was reported to DSS, not by the school but a neighbor? His hygiene is awful (E. told him once "you smell like garbage," which, really, is sometimes true). He's totally immature and is often in trouble for not listening, etc, and then sits around and says "I'm bad. I'm bad. I'm so bad." ... His father is in jail for I don't know what, so I often intervene with "you're not bad, you just don't always make the best choices" or something like this, though lately, as in the last couple days, I don't. Intervene, that is. Maybe it's a flavor of the month thing because now my eye is on D., the boy who hides and puts on this mean face and dodges and ducks and bursts into yelps for attention. I've been singling him out. Having him read to me, putting my arm around him, sitting next to him and I feel him mellow. I feel him ease. These kids, collectively and individually, need SOOOO much attention...

Maybe I feel a bit like D. I'd like to hide, to observe from behind a shelf, to bark to make sure that I'm still there.

I had an IEP meeting today for one of my SPED kids, S. Last year she was such a royal pain in the ass, but to a scary degree screaming about how she wanted to kill herself, she hates herself, choking herself and smacking herself until her face was bright red, slamming her head against the wall... She would throw fits and literally throw materials around the room, chairs, whatever. WE've had to evacuate on her behalf and get the kids away from her for safety. She's a third grader who is on a first grade level. Yet this year... there has been no threats of suicide, there has been no head banging or furniture throwing and I sat in this meeting this morning and thought wow... huge change... she's really coming a long way...

So at least there is that. And it's something.

I'm so behind. I feel so behind. It's exhausting just to think about so I think I'll take a nap.