sleepless

This is the part where I wonder if I can even hold out the year.

This is the part I wake up riddled with anxiety.

Did I mention we are going on a field trip Friday? I know; crazy. One of my colleagues arranged it and I thought it would make the children step it up and get on board. Behave, is what I mean.

D. is one of my new first graders. He hides behind shelves and under tables. He makes noises and complains about everything. He hardly does any work. I have called his parents five times already this year. I don't know what to do with him.

J. started a new medication which has mellowed him out a little. But yesterday he swung at a third grader because he was "bothering him."
"You bother me sometimes," I told him. "What do you think I should do about that?"
"Noooooo," he whines. "Ms. Lowwwwwwe!!"

I have used this trip as leverage. "We don't have to go," I tell them. "We could easily stay in the classroom. I don't know if you are ready to go out in public."

But it becomes an empty threat. The two dollar bus fee is a precious amount to most of these parents. And the bus gets paid no matter what.

My para uses it all the time. "No field trip for you," she says. Or, "no recess." And there are times that we do stay in from recess, but then my para and I suffer because we need to sit outside and breathe as much as the children do. I need to call parents tomorrow of some of my hard kids and tell them they can't come unless you, the parent, comes with. Which ones? There are so many.

A. is a second grader who is frankly, a crybaby. "It's not fair," he whines, CONSTANTLY. It could be about someone getting one more pretzel for snack than he did, or not getting to be first in line. He came in last year with NO schooling behind him - never any preschool or kindergarten - not knowing one letter sound. He is still so far behind. And his behavior SUCKS. Constantly fooling around. Constantly disturbing other children.

And I., who is so musical and sweet, who has better rhythm than anyone else in my class, but has rocks in his head when it comes to remembering anything I told him four seconds ago. What about him? How do I teach him? These aren't even my heavy hitters. There is S. and A. and MC., my chair throwers from last year. I mean, can you imagine? I remember last year at this time there had already been like 87 suspensions in the school. It was my first year in this madness and I was just dumbfounded - first and second graders? suspended? .....but it happens all the time.

I hate this. I made five phone calls to parents Monday afternoon for behavior issues. Yesterday I could have made several more but I was so tapped by the end of the day I couldn't spend another minute in that room, couldn't make one. I just wanted to go home. I just wanted to go home.

And now I can't sleep.

Did I mention at all that I'm wanting/trying to get pregnant? I had a miscarriage last year, after just about 12 weeks. I can damn bet it had something to do with my job.
And now? I feel like I'm carrying so much stress in my body, despite the coming home and walking my dog, despite processing and letting go by writing about it, despite my Monday evening sojourns into town for lovely dinners alone or with friends, despite the balance I thought I was creating.

Bad day, I know. It was a bad day yesterday.

But is this worth it? Is not sleeping worth it? The risk of holding too much stress so that I can't conceive or maintain a pregnancy? If my school wasn't in such distress as it is, would I quit? Could I quit? What would I do? It would leave my kids, my school, my colleagues, in such turmoil that I can't. I won't. I wouldn't. The year has begun. I can't just up and quit.

My asst. principal called me yesterday to tell me that MC.'s SPED evaluation meeting is scheduled for Oct. 27 and there's not much she can do until then as far as him being in my classroom. That's, what, at least another three weeks. I don't know if I can stand it.

I don't know if I can stand any of it.

We had a survey to fill out yesterday, about the school, admin, etc. "Be totally honest." They were bubble letter answers. No names.

The question was something like "The main goal as a teacher is to simply survive the school year." I checked STRONGLY AGREE.

I hope I do. Survive, that is.