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Today was one of those "I hate my job" days. It didn't start out so horribly. There were kids working all over the place; lots of language lessons today; antonyms, adjectives, matching words to category cards... few kids checking out the timeline of life, creating maps, etc etc. I mean, really, it wasn't too bad.

Tho my para Ms. N was busy with MC. who was, of course, running out of the room creating havoc, same ole same ole. This might and I mean might be fine if he weren't the only child in my class who has "issues" shall we say. A. did his whole tough punk ass routine of throwing his book and pencil across the room, two of my first graders run around the classroom and slide on their knees like it's some kind of game, cat fights erupt between T. and S. ...

It was my para who snapped. "I'm taking a break!!" she said, and stormed out of the classroom with her cigarettes. I totally get it - I know - it's crazy - and she's out the door.
She told me she's called her Union to report this crap - the babysitting MC - that she's supposed to be a teacher support person for a class, not a one on one special education teacher. Which is totally true. She tells me she could easily get a transfer to another school. And now I am on alert. Wait a minute, you can't leave, please don't leave...

And then I am stressed. And then all the things I can let slide in my periphery and still act calmly as I walk across the room are no longer tolerable. The whining child who can't find a pencil sharpener, the other whining child who will absolutely die if he doesn't have snack RIGHT NOW, the child who wants his 58th trip to the water fountain this morning .... We have a system for getting help from the teacher which on some days is forgotten. And then I have five children in front of me, needy whining children "Ms Lowwwe can I go to the bathroom? Ms Lowwwe I need help. Ms. Lowe S. is bothering me. Ms Lowwwe T said she's not my friend. Ms Lowwwe you said you'd give me a new lesson."

I put my hands over my ears. I really did this. I put my hands over my ears and said "Please, all of you, just go away!!! Get away from me!!!"

There are moments as a teacher in this school that I cannot stand myself. I say things and do things that I have never done before as a teacher. I am mean and insolent and harsh - I cut kids with a word, a look, I tell them I don't care, I tell them to leave me alone, I tell them no before I even know what they're going to ask. I am a caged animal, I am trapped, I am surrounded by annoying bugs biting and itching me and I just want to get out.

I can't stand my job on days like today. I can't stand myself. I turn into a monster and just want it all to stop. I just want to leave. I just don't care.

S. took a book out of the library that when he showed me, I knew was way over his head. Still he'd sit around and pretend to read it, and tell me he is on, like, page 147. Today we did leveled reading and he whined and complained that what I gave him was too hard. I helped him tough it out. Then he picked up this novel and told me he was going to read. I opened to a random page and said "Oh yeah? Read this to me. Just this page. Read this." He said "Aw, Ms Lowe!" I said "You know what? You CAN"T read this. You can't read it. Put it away."

Dammit, I'm really a asshole. That really sucked. Today really sucked. If I could even remember all of my infractions today, I would easily owe ten apologies.

I hate days like today.