G didn't come to school today. I guess I'm not surprised. The nurse told me that she noticed all the hack marks across her mother's wrists and arms when she finally picked her up at the end of the day. Old scars and fresh slices. WTH ... Why can't someone snatch this child up and give her a life? Why can't I? Last year I wanted to - asked my husband even - we talked about it seriously - we would have made room in our lives - I called DSS, talked to her caseworker, the whole bit. But so much paperwork and time and somehow it fell through the cracks after I miscarried my own child and this and that and this and that... I mean, G is an angel - truly - the most beautiful, sweetest kid - so well behaved and good and just wants to be loved... Ugggg.. How do you stay detached from human beings? How am I to do this as a teacher?

S acted up today in a big way. Her and T pulling hair, fighting, etc. S sitting on tables all day after I told her at least 4 times that we don't sit on furniture in this classroom, etc. Then jumping down steps, landing with a thwack (if you could see these cement stairwells...) - we WALK, we don't JUMP blah blah from me and she gets more and more distant. Probably even stuck her tongue at me when I turned around. Certainly thought, I'm sure, that her teacher is a pain in her ass.

I went to the cafeteria to pick up the kids after lunch, my para was already there and had them in line. She told me to call the office to have S picked up (by a counselor or principal), she was not going to gym, was not going to recess, was pulling T's hair, etc etc.
I was on my way to prep, which is a big ya hoo 45 minute prep time which is about enough time to walk back to the classroom, pee, clean up my desk, then go pick them back up. More often I have some meeting or another. Anyway I took S with me, even though I was really needing that break away from kids.

My para was saying I need to take her to the principal, so I headed that way, holding S. by the wrist. She pulled and cried and cried and wailed. I knew I wasn't going to bring her there. I knew that what she needed was not more anger/punishment but attention and kindness. I let her think I was taking her to the principal's for a little bit, and then we went past the office and instead to the classroom. She went to the library (part of my classroom), layed down and cried into her arm.
I knew she needed that: a good cry.

I put my hand on her back and let her cry. Then said "I have some work to do, why don't you go back to yours?" She was making a calendar, filling in classmates birthdays, etc. I talked to her a bit, said I thought maybe some alone time to work would help more than the principal would, etc. She got to her work and I got to mine, filling out behavior assessments etc documenting some more of my sped/ell M antics...

When we walked back to meet our class for recess I asked her to tell me how she needs to behave on line and with other children. "Stop fighting, no running or jumping" etc. That was that. She leaned against me and put her arms around my waist as we walked.

A was being hard, too. He went into one of his tough guy punk fits. We were on the playground and he decided to leave. I asked I. to go get him, which he did. Sometimes they'll respond better to peers than to an adult. He came back and instead of scolding him I said "A, I need you to help me with the line. I want you to be in charge, would you please?" So when we were lining up, he was making sure everyone was standing properly, going from one to the next touching their arms to adjust their positions, etc. Another eruption averted.

How can I yell and scream at these kids? Don't they get that enough? How can I treat them all the same? It's so amazing to me how much they'll push and push and wait for you to snap and when you're good and snapped they'll smirk as if satisfied and then you want to snap even more but that's when I try to take a deep breath and take a different approach. What if I just love this kid? What if I just give him what he needs? What if I just remind her how important she is?

Not that I always rise up to this. Sometimes I snap and I'm just snapped and I play that dumb human game of control and punishment. But most of the time I try really hard to stop and breathe and maybe try something different. Like love.

How do I remain detached? How do I keep that balance?

How do I protect my heart from breaking?