straight from the front lines

Today, lunchtime, in an e mail to myself:

My para is out today. she threatend last week she was taking a day off. what it means is that I'm in my class alone.
what it means is that today when T came in all heebie jeebied out telling other kids but not me what happened finally telling me that some guy was outside the school doors this morning when she came in late and asked her if she wanted to see something and whipped out his penis for her to ponder. she told some friends and they're all a little weirded out. I called the counselor, wrote a report, and now she's in the counselors room with a police filing a report with the counselor, they will not let me in to check on her and when I did go in there the energy was so serious, dark and heavy this traumatized girl needs a pat, a touch, a hug, something but no, that doesn't happen. I asked if she's okay, she just looked down. "Look at me" I said while delivering her lunch. She looked up. "Are you okay?" she looked at my eyes and shook her head no. I touched her face.

"I wish I could stay. We'll talk later." I say to her. My heart breaking.

MC was out of the room all day. I'm alone, what can I do, as long as I could see him in the hallway I let it be. I called the office twice but no one ever came. When he did come in the room he was stealing snack from the snack table, or throwing pencils across the room. By the time we lined up for lunch I was so out of my mind that when he pushed to be first I said NO it's not your job. NO. He then took off running, down the stairwell to god knows where. What could I do? I was alone. I yelled to a mentor observing in a class. "I'm by myself here. One of my students just ran down the stairwell. My other 24 are lined up down the hall."
"I'm just observing here."
"Well can you maybe help out?" Do I have to scream in paragraphs? I bring my attention back to my class and another teacher is reprimanding my class for not standing quiety. Thanks a lot, I got it from here. I drop them at lunch, check on T, tell them she's missing her lunch "well you can bring her lunch here." great. So I run back downstairs, get the lunch, bring it back, the door is locked in the bad ass serious reporting cop and counselor room. I knock again. On the way to the cafeteria I see a para who was in the class next to me last year. "I fucking hate this school" I say to her in passing, my face, I'm sure, harried and old.How am I supposed to do this again? How do I do this?

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....

straight to the computer for ten minutes to blurt; that's what the above was. right from the front line.
and I'd elaborate but I'm too damn tired. It was a long ass day.

Before T got to see the counselor and go through an interrogation there was a moment that broke my heart, when one of her friends told her that H likes her. "EW!!" she said. "That makes me think of what happened!!!" haunted by some assholes fat penis. Oh, it makes me sick just to think about...

This afternoon her mom showed up at our recess, outside. I was so glad to see her. Crackhead mom with about six teeth in her head, using or not at the moment, I don' t know - but she talked to T alone, came to talk to me, "yep, that's what she told me too," I said, and we looked at each others eyes, and I just put my arms around this mom and hugged her, hard.