teachers don't get to be sick.

I would have stayed home if I had an office job. It's in my throat, under my eyes, in my head - breathing through my mouth since the nose won't do - and I can't leave my para with those kids alone - it's too soon, too early - and too crazy. So off I went.

Our morning gathering was going well then I had great plans for giving lessons and sending off children to work on new things. Alas, it wasn't to be. Instead the office called - E's mom was there, wanting to talk to me. "Are you sure she wants to talk to me? I'm not his teacher anymore."
"Well you better come down."
"I'm in the middle of my gathering, give me five minutes."
I tell my para guess what, you're doing the meeting this morning. And I left.

There she was, with nails painted just as fancy but in a maroon and black swirl. I bend down and say hello to E. he grunts. "Oh, you've got the tough guy on. Can I see my friend E? Look in my eyes."
He looks at me and almost smiles.
"How is your new class?"
He shrugs.
His new teacher shows up, says things are going okay, chat chat chat, waiting for a translator so the meeting can start, still not sure why I'm there. I decide I want to find a book so E. can read to me. I go in one of the "work rooms" where children are held. There is a child in there, but I hardly notice - I am on a mission for a book. Leafing through. I find a couple that are appropriate level for E and start back, only the child at the table is sniffling and crying.

"Ohhh... are you okay? ... My name is Ms. Lowe..."
He has a math assessment test in front of him. I start to guide him through the first question and realize he cannot read a word.
I stay with him for five minutes and help. He smiles at me.
I check outside and E and mom are gone. I tell this boy I need to go, and what classroom I'm in. "Come visit me any time." I tell him. "Just ask your teacher."

I go into the meeting. "Sorry I'm late."

They all look at me blankly. "You don't need to be here," I'm told.

Nice. Great. My class has been with my para for 20 minutes. I go back up and they are all busy working, doing busy work.

Why do I do this job. I could explain the details of disruption and lack of flow. Or trying to teach with an explosive head. And I could tell you about the new ell sped kid racing out of the room every ten minutes, and the ensuing chases.

My principal walks by later. She responds to the e mail I sent last week. "How's everything going?"

I tell her about the new kid, who I referred to in my e mail. She wants to meet him so I go get him and bring him back to her. She brings him back five minutes later.

"Wow. He's really .... Limited."

"uh, yeah. He is. And we spend half our day chasing him."

Don't get me started. Cuz then I would tell you about MD and A. I would tell you about how so out of my mind I got, how bad I felt physically, head pounding sinus's screaming, and the regrettable control freak I became wanting them to all just shut the hell up for one minute so I could think. I used to pride myself on patience and grace. Now I pride myself on surviving a day and beat myself up for all the wrong ways I handle things in a heated moment.

Why do I do this job. I don't want to do this job.

But then I worked with third graders, naming numbers into the hundred millions. Working on hierarchical categories of the decimal system. They were having a blast. I was having a blast. Or when I worked with Z and D, first graders, filling pages of addition facts. I was so enthusiastic, and they thought it was SO FUN. Math is fun, imagine that.

Ohhhhhh... help. I need to go to bed and it's only 5:15. And we haven't been shopping in a week and my husband is waiting for me.

If I wake up tomorrow feeling like hell you'd think I'd stay home, but it's open house night. All those parents (all those parents? I know better than that) coming to my classroom to meet me and I'm not there? Is this an option?

I thought this year would be easier than the last but so far it's not. At all.